I told myself I wasn't gonna be upset. I mean, I didn't even feel upset up till I got home. Then everything hit me. I guess you really aren't supposed to be alone on days like these huh?
Hi guys, I've turned 19.
Life has been great. I do believe that. I thought I got it all pretty much figured out for now. I had friends, I went to college everyday, I came home, I go to church, I think about home. I thought it was pretty balanced.
... until you end up spending you Birthday alone.
lol yes, alone.
I really didn't think much about it. I mean, it's not like no one wished me, facebook helps people remember. It's just, I really wished people cared a little more than 'just friends' do.
but! I'm ok. It's one bad day vs every other good day. So yeah.. I'm going to be ok. I just hope I don't float through life not making an impact on anyone elses'
I don't know what' i'm
doing or going to do. I've said how I don't like who I am but I don't know what type of person I should be at all. I can't tell the difference between right and wrong, good or bad. I'm just emotionless about everything. Waiting for days to pass, something to happen. Which I know won't. Till I actually do something.
Being here for 6 month's now, I've realised, I know, I understand that I have to move on. To not cling on to the past. The lifestyle, the people. But it's not easy. I sit here in front of my computer screen, thinking about what could've
been different, how things would be. It hurts so much. The things i'm
missing out on, the people that have replaced me. I have my own friends, my own life, my own issues, my own experiences. My mind still can't help but linger on the past. I resent myself for feeling like this. It's childish and useless. An utter complete waste of time. But why do I still feel the way I feel?
I can't grasp anything about my life. All I can count on is my mom and God.
I have to stop wasting my life like this. Grow up Jade, grow up. You're almost 19. You can't always be this little girl that everyone protects.
You know those days where you just.. dislike yourself? Not hate, not as in.. you don't want to live. The days where you don't like who you are. How you've grown up to be. You're not satisfied with the way you're living your life or the things you've done.
That's kind of how i'm feeling right now. It's not a strong emotion, it's more like something at the back of your head just constantly whispering at you. Eating you up bit by bit.
I feel like a loser. Like I can do so much better yet i'm not doing anything about it. I'm just letting everything pass me without a thought, without making an effort, bringing everyone down with me.
I'm probably a burden to my mom. Of course she doesn't really think that way. Her being my mother and all. But still, i'm basically a useless human that does nothing good. I don't deserve her going through so much for my sake. Do you get what i'm saying?
I want to be so much for her. I want to be the perfect daughter. Everything she want's me to be. But I can't. Even the major I pick didn't impress her. Everyday I go to a school where I'm unhappy. I can't stand it. I feel so empty amongst the sea of people. I go to each class, bored as fuck because i've learned everything already. I put a smile on my face hoping she doesn't worry about me. At the end of the day I just feel like closing my eyes and pretending everything's a dream and that i'm not really alive.
This isn't right is it? Thinking these things. Having these feelings. Like I said they aren't big thoughts. Just little tiny threads floating at the back of my head. I just hope they stay there.
Since like 3 years ago i kinda grew apart from my dad. He was still my dad of course, despite the things he had done. I still looked up to him. Hence my career choice.
After moving out from his place, I kinda grew... further
away from him. I relied entirely on my mother. Even when I was living with him, all I could rely on was my mother anyways. I stopped visiting, calling.. even when he came over i'd
avoid him, knowing i'd
get mad at him or just get more disappointed. Avoiding was my way of preserving what's left of my respect for my dad really. I really really wanted to respect him.
Now that I'm here and he's back in Malaysia, there's the distance, the time difference and our schedules
. He was a jerk, yes. But deep down honestly, I miss him. I miss avoiding him? Yeah. In a way. It's weird really. I'm weird.
Of course, I miss my brother more. But I'm really worried. My dad is old, and sick. Despite the things he'd done, he's still my father and will always be my father. I can't tell my mom this and make her send me home yearly or whatever. We can't afford it anyways. I can't tell friends here because.. they don't understand. It's not like I LET them understand.
This rant was so pointless.
I always have a million things going on in my head that I can never tell anyone. I keep telling myself to blog but it never comes out right. I can't express it well. There's no one i'd
really tell my heart out to here.
In the end, it comes down to the fact that I miss home.
New York isn't my home.... yet. Hopefully it'll be soon because there are so many emotions in me that I just can't comprehend. I always feel alone and desperate, yet not willing to let anyone in. I'm selfish and stubborn.
No one understands how everything and everyone is important to me.
Basically my life is just a piece if garbage.
I'm not as emotional as I sound.
I've learnt that life comes with disappointments and just plain bad luck.
I've gone through way too much to know that truth.
I've earned that truth really.
I blame myself though.
I never explain myself when I need to because I'm always too mad or annoyed.
I sigh at my friends saying they don't understand because I never want to explain.
I lose people who genuinely
care about me because I sigh at them.
I will end up fighting my battles alone because I keep losing people who genuinely
care about me.
I'm so useless.
I can't even convince people to believe in my dreams. Even if it doesn't
All I've heard has been
"You're kidding right?"
"It's so hard"
"I never really thought that you'd.."
And I have my pride not to give up my dream but it doesn't mean I don't get discouraged.
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
It's me against the world.
And the world fucking hates me.
I'm not implying there's nothing truly amazing about my life.
I cherish the little things like when it gets 5degrees warmer or when I go for sleepovers.Maybe
a 100% on a test or a warm hug.
But If life only has the little things, and all the real things crumble.
I'm a complete hypocrite though.
I just told Elena that life IS worth living.
That the small things can make you happy.
I'm a fucking liar.
Labels: complaints, family, life
You know that feeling, neh neh
, that feeling, where you just don't wanna talk?
"Hey! How are you?"STFU
, I saw this cute guy...."STFU
"You're so stupid"
Thanks. Now STFU
Yeah. Those kinda phases where you're just a horrible person.
Is it just me?
Am I just a terrible person?
No. I'm kidding.
I won't seriously go STFU
But it's the truth, how I really feel.
Makes me wonder why I hate people that much.
Then again, I don't really hate anyone.
I love a LOT of people.
Labels: complaints, drabbles, life, random
I've have 2 things.
you have no idea how bad I feel.
I want to help you,
I want you to know that I'm here for you.
But I can't do anything but listen.
So listen I will.
Labels: complaints, friends