Monday, April 4, 2011, 3:03 PM
Since like 3 years ago i kinda grew apart from my dad. He was still my dad of course, despite the things he had done. I still looked up to him. Hence my career choice.
After moving out from his place, I kinda grew... further away from him. I relied entirely on my mother. Even when I was living with him, all I could rely on was my mother anyways. I stopped visiting, calling.. even when he came over i'd avoid him, knowing i'd get mad at him or just get more disappointed. Avoiding was my way of preserving what's left of my respect for my dad really. I really really wanted to respect him.
Now that I'm here and he's back in Malaysia, there's the distance, the time difference and our schedules. He was a jerk, yes. But deep down honestly, I miss him. I miss avoiding him? Yeah. In a way. It's weird really. I'm weird.
Of course, I miss my brother more. But I'm really worried. My dad is old, and sick. Despite the things he'd done, he's still my father and will always be my father. I can't tell my mom this and make her send me home yearly or whatever. We can't afford it anyways. I can't tell friends here because.. they don't understand. It's not like I LET them understand.
This rant was so pointless.
I always have a million things going on in my head that I can never tell anyone. I keep telling myself to blog but it never comes out right. I can't express it well. There's no one i'd really tell my heart out to here.
In the end, it comes down to the fact that I miss home.
New York isn't my home.... yet. Hopefully it'll be soon because there are so many emotions in me that I just can't comprehend. I always feel alone and desperate, yet not willing to let anyone in. I'm selfish and stubborn.
Labels: rant
